Plan on Challenges

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I chuckle sometimes when I hear young couples talking about their plans for the future. They usually have it all mapped out. They’ll be married at this age, buy their first home by that age, have their first child a few years later, and then the second child two or three years after the first. And those of us who are older and listening want to jump in with an important reminder—it’s okay to have a plan, but plan to be flexible. For those of us who have been through it, not everything always works according to plan.

There’s not enough money for a down payment on the house they like. She suffers a miscarriage and is afraid to try again. The car breaks down on vacation. It’s been two years and she still can’t get pregnant. Their little girl was born with a rare disorder and may not live beyond five years of age. I’m sure no one plans for these circumstances, but they can and do happen. And as a couple, you have to be secure enough in your relationship to survive these challenges.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about things before you take the initiative. It’s fine to have goals or guidelines in place about when you want to start a family or be able to buy a home, as long as you realize it may not occur exactly how you picture it in your mind. But you can, as a couple, learn to anticipate the what-ifs as you discuss life with each other.

For example, become thoroughly educated about mortgages and what it takes to purchase a home. Saving up and making a down payment is really hard, so don’t get discouraged if you’re not a homeowner at 30. Talk about what is important for each of you in a house. Is a garage a must-have or is a ranch floor plan critical? Think about neighborhoods and school systems, whether you have children yet or not. I would definitely encourage you to only look at houses that are within your price range. If you look at a bunch of houses outside your price range, you will get discouraged or you’ll push to get a mortgage you really can’t afford. Looking for a home is very stressful and a lot of arguments can be eliminated by being prepared and realistic.

When it comes to family planning, do your research. Talk to your doctor and find out the average time it takes to become pregnant so that you know when you’ve been trying long enough that it might be time to consider some type of fertility testing. Studies reveal that 10-25% of women miscarry. Discuss your medical history with your obstetrician so you know the potential complications that exist. In advance, talk about what you would do if you were unable to have children to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Planning a family can be a strain on a marriage.

It’s very easy for love-struck couples to embark on their marital journey wearing rose-colored glasses that can fog up quickly with the mist of unforeseen challenges. Managing the marriage relationship is stressful enough, which is why it’s important to be on solid ground before adding elements that have the potential to knock you off your feet.

Where so many couples get into trouble is making a lot of plans and not planning on how to navigate the challenges. Try a new direction—communicate more openly and plan to win more at home.